America's Lost Wallet Economy" How RFK, Trump, and a Cheesecake Factory Revolution Are Saving Democracy

Because sometimes you need a tank at the Olive Garden to make America make sense again"

Based on the Works of Tim Dillon and Law Alpha AI.

Kamala didn't get it, and let me tell you why – she's out there trying to solve inflation with PowerPoint presentations while Trump's talking about finding wallets on the ground. That's the difference! Trump's like "Listen, if you find a wallet, you take a little something for your trouble, then return it like a hero." That's economics! That's the American way!

And when you return that wallet, you gotta look them dead in the eye and say, "You're lucky I found it. There's a lot of scum out there." That's called building rapport. That's called connecting with the American people. Then when they offer you something for your trouble, you say "No, no, no," but you take it anyway. Now you've got $75, and that's basically how the Federal Reserve works.

I went to one of these political rallies the other day. They're serving coffee in cups that say "Certified Compostable." Nobody at a Trump rally wants compostable cups! They want their coffee in something that'll survive in a landfill longer than their mortgage! That's America! That's what these politicians don't understand.

You know what's coming? Thanksgiving's coming up. People are gonna be upset. I'm going to handcuff members of my family, and at gunpoint, we are going to listen to Robert F. Kennedy's book "The Real Anthony Fauci." Just sitting there, turkey getting cold, gun to their head like this, "LISTEN TO THE CHAPTER ABOUT THE CDC!"

And speaking of RFK, I hope they let him loose. I want to see RFK and Roseanne rolling through the countryside in a tank, stopping at every chain restaurant in America. Just bursting through the doors of Chili's, pointing at the Triple Dipper going, "Do you know what's in this? DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN THIS?" Then straight to the Olive Garden, throwing breadsticks at the ceiling, screaming "UNLIMITED POISON!" That's entertainment! That's what the people want!

And these candidates? You can't have them trying to be everything to everybody. You can't be non-binary, have green hair, be 400 pounds, be annoying, be a communist, be a vegan, AND somehow be in Hamas. Pick one! You gotta pick one! The American people can only handle one form of chaos at a time. That's why Costco only has one kind of ketchup – they understand psychology!

Look at what they did with Waltz. I thought when Kamala picked him, he was gonna come out in a keffiyeh scarf, wife carrying a Birkin bag, really shake things up in Michigan. But no! This idiot talked about football! You're telling me that's how you're gonna win? Talking about the Lions when there's a revolution happening at the Cheesecake Factory?

What we need is someone who understands that the American dream is basically finding a good parking spot at Trader Joe's and then finding out the sample station is serving those little coffee drinks. Everything else is just details! But no, they're out there talking about foreign policy while people are just trying to figure out why there are seventeen different types of Oreos now.

And these debates? Please. You want a real debate? Put them all in a Walmart on Black Friday. Let's see who can navigate that chaos. That's leadership! That's what the presidency is – it's basically managing a nationwide Black Friday while China's trying to cut in line.

I'm telling you, we need to stop elevating the craziest people anyone's ever seen. Get a normal person. Get a Josh Shapiro. Build a Clinton machine around Josh Shapiro or something. As Barry White said – and this is true – leave the identity politics to the side. Nobody cares! Stop trying to win elections by appealing to people whose entire personality is based on their kombucha brewing operation!

Here's how it ends, and this is what nobody wants to talk about: In four years, we're either going to have RFK executing the CEO of Yum Brands on national television for using fake cheese, or we're going to have someone normal explaining why finding a wallet and keeping fifty bucks makes you a job creator. Those are your options! That's the choice! And honestly? I'm fine with either one because at least then we'd have some clarity!

And let me tell you something – when RFK's in the Manns factory, deporting immigrants, throwing pound cake on the floor, screaming "THIS IS POISON!" – that's going to be the most watched television program in American history. Higher ratings than the Moon landing. Higher than the MAS*H finale. Because that's what we've become, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's pretty fucking exciting!

So I say, let them loose! Let RFK and Roseanne drive that tank through the Cheesecake Factory! Let Trump explain trickle-down economics using lost wallets! Let Kamala keep trying to solve inflation with Instagram reels! Because in the end, we're all just living in one big Olive Garden, pretending the breadsticks are a sustainable business model, and hoping nobody notices we're charging $24.99 for microwaved pasta! That's America, baby! That's the dream!

"Because sometimes you need a tank at the Olive Garden to make America make sense again"

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Show Notes: No chain restaurants were harmed in the making of this comedy special. RFK's tank is parked safely outside the Cheesecake Factory. All wallets were returned with appropriate finder's fees deducted. The FDA has not evaluated these statements about the Triple Dipper. The Olive Garden breadstick policy remains under investigation.